What's on my mind....

"I feel like your dad", he said. I was strong but immature. I wanted love but I wasn't ready to embrace it. As I look over the past few years I understand what it was like. Seeing the course of our relationship through his eyes. I was selfish and dishonest. I didn't have parents to show me the way. A father to teach me to love sacrificially. A mother to show me how to be a woman. I am grateful for all he taught me. I am a better woman because he took a chance on me. His boys will be great men because of him. Real relationships teach you a lot. I'm still learning and it was seven years ago. I was too blinded by my addiction to truly see myself with greatness but he always saw it in me. I can never express to him my gratitude. His wife is beyond blessed to call him her husband. I'm glad he taught me what he taught me. It's time to let it go. Time to let the memories fade and open my heart to allow new adventures to unfold. I know I deserve more and I'm the change I want to see. Here's to love, the unfailing, unconditional, sacrificial love that God bestows on me. I'm learning to bestow it unto you. I love you, everlasting.

Why I love him.

I've figured it out! I can finally put into words why I love this beautiful, hard working, calm spirited, sometimes hard headed sexy 6'6 man I have been blessed to call my husband. He accepted I was an addict without judgement and battled the spiritual warfare with me. He forgave me when I didn't feel I deserved it and loves me past all the hurt.  I don't always understand his fearless spirit and his passion to enjoy adventure but I am glad he is everything I'm not. Thank you God for giving me John to experience life with and to reflect your love story. Marriage isn't easy, but when Jesus is at the centter of it all, it endures all things.

Eggsima - The manageable

May 16, 2013 what I thought was impossible for me became possible, I found out I was pregnant!!!! I almost gave up trying. Several of my friends just had babies and I was feeling like Hannah in 1 Samuel 1, so taunted about not having children that I was reduced to tears. Therefore I prayed what Hannah prayed in desperation, “O LORD of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the LORD, his hair will never be cut. ” (1 Samuel 1:11 NLT). 

After praying that prayer I left it in God's hands. If I were to be a mother or not was up to him. A few months and a April fools joke later, we were pregnant and I was certain it was a boy. I thought it to myself surely God has heard my prayer and given me a boy. His name was to be Mekhis Jabez, who is like the Lord, the one who prayed to God and God answered his request.  My original due date was January 23rd and was so excited to dress him in Jordan since his initials would have been MJ. (And with the assumption of my race and his dad's height we would make a great basketball player....haha). It wasn't until a couple of weeks before my anatomy ultra sound that I had this overwhelming feeling it was a girl. It's what started my journey on finding her name. Though I was a little discouraged it was a girl at first because I was in fear of the type of role model I was going to be for her, since I'm not always the greatest person to be around. I instantly fell in love with the idea of molding her into the woman God has created her to be. It is such a privilege God would trust me to have such responsibility.

As I prepared for my little loves arrival I thought she might have sensitive skin since my skin is ridiculously sensitive. Any clothes people would give me for her, that I liked, I would wash it and hang it up by age and color. I thought I was doing good in preventing her skin from any dryness or rash until last month. She had red spots that came and went. I took her to the doctor after seeking counsel on what it might be. The doctor said it was just heat rash and to keep Kamea cool. I followed the doctors orders and the rash was getting better but still present. At her four month appointment her doctor said it could be a start of eggsima (eczema) and to lather her with cream twice a day. Wednesday we got her some Aveeno cream which seemed like it was working. The dryness on her arms had disappeared and her back was clearing up. Yesterday morning after her lunch time feeding I went to change her onesie and it looked like she was having a reaction to something. As a first time mom I freaked out and called her grandma, who was visiting, to come check it out. She didn't know what it was and we both started investigating and calling our nurses to figure out what's next. I started crying for the unknown that was happening to my beautiful treasure. After gathering what we could from the nurses I made a doctors appointment. The doctor who saw her said it was eczema but wanted a second opinion. The second doctor agreed, it is eczema. As they recommended some treatments my husband asked if there was a way to prevent eczema. One doctor said no, you just manage it. 

Out of all six of us my middle brother had eczema pretty bad as a toddler. My nephew has it and my best friends son has it. I pray God's healing power over eggsima - the manageable dryness of skin to overwhelm Johnathan, Laien and my Kamea. May they continue to bring laughter, joy and peace in their mothers hearts as they endure this process. In Jesus name, amen.

Make a decision.

Stop talking about it. Stop saying you're going to leave your relationship. It may not have been good at the beginning. It may not have been God to go through with it but God will work it out for your good. Make a decision to stay commited. Make a decision to romance your spouse even when you feel they don't deserve it or you feel it's their responsibility and not yours. As a woman we won't our man to woo us daily, but what about them? They have needs too and need to be wooed as often as we want to be. If he won't do it for you, do if for him. Don't do it in expectation of receiving something in return. That's the wrong kinda love boo boo. Make a decision today to agape love your spouse.

As bad as you want to breathe.

What's God's standard of success? It's not measured by the amount of money we have. It's not defined by an event we hope to one day arrive at. It's not about having the most expensive clothes or the better looking car. God's standard of success is simple, it's obedience to his word.  Joshua 1:8 tells us, Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. (NLT) Only then will we prosper. Only then will we succeed. It's a continual journey, day and night. As I sit here pondering life and it's many circumstances I know if I truly take heed to this verse and ignore the standards of this world I will be successful in all I do. My life will be successful, my relationships will be successful, my finances will be successful and my ministry will be successful. If I want to succeed, by obeying the word of God, as bad as I want to breathe, then, and only then, will I truly be successful.

Mom Week - Day 4

As a kid I didn’t understand mom's tardiness to school ceremonies or performances.  At my eighth grade continuation as my classmates were embraced with long hugs and words of encouragement from their parents I stood there alone waiting in anticipation to catch just a glimpse of her to calm my nerves. It never failed however, close to the end of the program, in that still quiet moment of unscheduled silence I would hear her voice yell out, “Love you Niecey! That’s my girl! Yeah!”

Sometimes I close my eyes and go back to those moments. Where mom steals the silence to make known her presence and her expression of love. 💕😌😊💕 #missingher

Mom week - Day 3

When we were kids mom and Aunt Sandy would tell us not to take our anger out on those we are not angry with. As an adult this has come in handy a lot. Many may call it being two faced or being fake and that's just their problem....haha. 

I am honored to be where I am today because of the perseverance mom had to endure despite of all her shortcomings.  Mom is an amazing woman because she never gave up.  She never gave in and she never quit.  She held on to God's love and acceptance of her when we felt she didn't always deserve it.

Mom Week - Day 2

Nailed my speech about mom yesterday!!!! One of the veteran members believes it could be a contest speech.  Everytime I prepare a speech I let go of something and God replaces it with his victory. Each speech I do is preparing me for my destiny.

Seeing mom's life from her perspective has really made me appreciate her more. Not just as a mom, but as a person. Life was not always gracious to her.  Her mother was an abusive alcoholic. Therefore her views of relationships were obscure.  Consequently mom struggled in her own ways. Yet she raised us by herself, making sacrifices to love us the best way she knew how. Her life’s passion was to work hard in not becoming the abusive woman her mother was. I believe in a lot of ways she achieved that goal. 

Mom Week - Day 1

Many who know me and the relationship I had with mother wasn't the greatest.  However, for this next week I want to step outside of myself and walk a day in her shoes.  I want to experience life from her perspective.  My last speech a few weeks ago I mentioned mom was amazing but failed to mention why she was amazing.  After my speech tomorrow hopefully my audience, and eventually you all reading this, will know why she is O-mazing!!!!....haha.

There was a picture of mom in an African print outfit. As I look back to that picture in my mind, I am forever grateful to have known her.  She was a strong, hard working woman as beautiful as a starry summer night.  She wore her confidence proudly.  No matter how she felt she held her head high, her heart big and love radiated from her face.  What a gift God gave to us kids to have an angel as a mother.

Sleepless in Grand Junction....

Third night in a row I can't just fall asleep. I'm either nose deep in a book or being nosey on Facebook. I try my best to exhaust myself during the day so I can just pass out but that doesn't happen.

I was proud of myself today. I always talk about mom being amazing but was never questioned on what makes her amazing. As I prepared my speech for Tuesday I couldn't stop thinking about all the great things about mom that were clouded by her addiction. For example, her unexplainable love toward us, her kids. I don't think we realize how hard it was for her to bust her butt day in and day out to provide for six kids. I admire her persistence and her willingness to get up every morning and do her best to raise us. I look at the six of us and our success  was founded through the strength of our mother. Some women would have given up, but not mom. She did the best she could with what she could and I appreciate her for that.

Write away.

During Kamea week many of you suggested I start a blog.  Well, here it is!!!! Writing really helped fill a void for me. Being able to paint a picture with my words of how I felt helped me release some emotions I was hoarding within.  Hopefully as I prepare for this speech on Tuesday I feel more comfortable in being more descriptive and confident in painting with my words.  Maybe being more descriptive in my words will help me communicate better with my spouse as well!!!!....haha. I don't have a strategic plan of how these blogs are going to turn out. We'll just have to see what happens.

Till we meet again my