Wow, I get it now!

I was raised in a single parent home. My mother was a very strong and pride filled woman. She don't allow anything or anyone, especially men, walk over her. As her daughter she gave me that same since of pride. I am woman, hear me roar!!!! Every relationship I held out at arms length waiting for them to leave. I knew I could handle whatever life dishes out to me on my own. My mom did it for 17 years with six kids I got less and I will triumph over anyone who gets in my way. I disrespected all authority. As I reflect over this insight, I realize though we had a defenseful, pride riding example of woman, my brothers had nothing. There was no dad, grandpa, uncle or even fake uncle to teach them how to be a man. When I look at my brothers lives I can see the struggle to maintain life's basic necessities due to no model of the behavior. 

No lean

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT)

No lean, no dependence, no confidence, no control of your own broken, emotional, abused, left abandoned, screwed over understanding. TRUST GOD with all your heart. Seek God. If I continue to seek man my understanding gets cloudy with illusion of others opinions instead of the will of God. It's so hard to maneuver through it all and draw the best decision. Either way trusting God. Yet in ever decision making seeking his will in every think. My experience is the child of thought, and thought is the child of action. It's time to be like Nike and just do it. 

Bernice = Victory

In Masters, a nine month discipleship program, I didn't like people knowing my middle name. I just thought there was no significance and didn't really like it. In recovery from my sex addiction I went on a journey of discovering who I am. In doing so I started with my name. In the Bible names were given for their meaning and I believed mine was given for a reason as well. Elizabeth means consecrated or set apart to God. Bernice means bringer of victory. Doesn't that just excite you!!!! Set apart to God to bring victory. If you knows testimony, you know I am victorious!!!! There are so many times I could have given up but by the grace and protection of God I was not a victim to my circumstances, I was and am a victor!!!! No longer do see my name as insignificant, I AM BERNICE = bringer of victory!!!!

In my arms

I have just experienced the greatest moment in my life!!!! Following the usual night routine, I sit down with Kamea to read her a scripture and pray before bed. She lays her head against my shoulder and cuddles while John begins to read to her. There was just something special about her cuddle that I started to cry. Apart of the scripture talked about my soul waiting. When John finished reading I sung my soul waits from Frontline to her and she embraces me even more. I pray over her, sing her a lullaby and hope this moment never ends. Sadly it does end but I will forever cherish the moment my daughter is embraced in my arms.

Through the eyes of Kamea

Today I got to experience persistence from my four month old. She saw her toy dangling in the distance and kept her eye on the prize as she tried to figure out her body mechanics. She's not able to successfully get her toy yet but everyday she persists. Everyday her eyes stay focused on the achievement. One day she will get there, one day she will aririve. She notices what works for her one try may not help her the next but she continues to persist and she will succeed!

What's on my mind....

"I feel like your dad", he said. I was strong but immature. I wanted love but I wasn't ready to embrace it. As I look over the past few years I understand what it was like. Seeing the course of our relationship through his eyes. I was selfish and dishonest. I didn't have parents to show me the way. A father to teach me to love sacrificially. A mother to show me how to be a woman. I am grateful for all he taught me. I am a better woman because he took a chance on me. His boys will be great men because of him. Real relationships teach you a lot. I'm still learning and it was seven years ago. I was too blinded by my addiction to truly see myself with greatness but he always saw it in me. I can never express to him my gratitude. His wife is beyond blessed to call him her husband. I'm glad he taught me what he taught me. It's time to let it go. Time to let the memories fade and open my heart to allow new adventures to unfold. I know I deserve more and I'm the change I want to see. Here's to love, the unfailing, unconditional, sacrificial love that God bestows on me. I'm learning to bestow it unto you. I love you, everlasting.

Why I love him.

I've figured it out! I can finally put into words why I love this beautiful, hard working, calm spirited, sometimes hard headed sexy 6'6 man I have been blessed to call my husband. He accepted I was an addict without judgement and battled the spiritual warfare with me. He forgave me when I didn't feel I deserved it and loves me past all the hurt.  I don't always understand his fearless spirit and his passion to enjoy adventure but I am glad he is everything I'm not. Thank you God for giving me John to experience life with and to reflect your love story. Marriage isn't easy, but when Jesus is at the centter of it all, it endures all things.